Are you finding everything okay, you piece of shit?

updates:

I am having a very wonderful holiday doing absolutely nothing
My computer has a virus because I have a nasty porn addiction
Just kidding about the porn addiction. It's mild.
I received: music, many scarves, socks and gossip girl.
I have been working at a toy store since October and I'm starting to realize that shoppers have very peculiar habits. This is my first time in retail and I'm wondering if every shopper has a set of rules they are required to follow.

Of the ones I am learning about here are my absolute favorites:
1. when entering a store make sure you ignore the sales lady when she greets you. No eye contact! They are your slaves, don't condescend.
2. Let your child run free and ruin everything. Don't put anything back where you found it. In fact, shove the toys behind the shelves. That way no one can find it!
3. Shopping is a team effort. Every shopper needs help at the same time. Every shopper needs to pay at the same time and every shopper wants their purchase to be gift wrapped. This is especially necessary when there is only one employee in the store.
4. Does the sales lady not know what you're talking about? get angry. She's a moron for not knowing about that organic Swedish toy that will teach your child quantum physics.
5. Yell really loudly about how expensive the products are instead of taking the family to Walmart and shutting the fuck up
6. If she's wearing a blue apron and a name tag, ask her if she works at the store
7. If the store closes at 9, come in at 8:58 with your three kids.

hope your holiday shopping was awesome!
-Mallory

Merry Christmas! I mean...Happy Holidays!

Naw man, no more political correctness. Tom Robbins wrote it much better than I ever could. Anywho, hope the world is a bit nicer to at least a couple people today and tomorrow and for the rest of their lifetimes, etc.

I got my ears pierced which opens me up to a whole new realm of purchasing possibilities. It is just really difficult to remember that THERE ARE HOLES IN MY EARS which are raw and tender, like a young girls heart. Handle me with care.

Following up on my small woodland creatures post, tomorrow I go on epic adventure to Petsmart with ERINA to purchase two little "meece." They are her christmas present and she will give them the best life they ever could have. And as she's an ARTIST!, no doubt they will have plenty of artsy little toys all the other mice will be jealous of.

Maybe we will train Atticus Finch to ride on them, but more likely he will peep his appreciation from his lofty perch.

Peeping against society's wrongs

Presenting...Atticus Fringillidae Finch!

I got him a few months ago when I abruptly entered an I-LOVE-BIRDS phase. I still do, still can marvel at his tiny body, still think he's adorable, just not at seven in the morning when he wont shut his adorable little beak.

In the spirit of metaphor, I plan on setting him free* on the day of my graduation. I'm sure the original Atticus Finch would approve.

*I should also mention that Atticus is a wild bird my neighbor recently caught and gave to me as a present, so he's well equipped for hanging out in the wild again!

while they be boozin' I be cruisin'

As I'm going off to college next fall, I need a mode of transportation. Instead of wasting god knows how much dough on a car that will be useless in the city, I've decided to invest in a spectacular bike. I have my eye on this baby.

Blogger probably made this image turn out huge because it couldn't contain its sweetness in any smaller size. Bonus points? It's collapsable at the touch of a button. Mallory says I will be beat up if I wheel this into campus but if I do get beat up it will probably be so the bully can steal my wheels.

on a lighter note...

Look at the expression of suffering on her face! So cute! 

I'm trying to train her to balance things on her head. I fed her a morsel of overcooked pancake as a treat. 

Inspiration by dooce.

Next? Training her to write my blog posts.

Catfish? more like fatfish!

Dear Catfish I Choked Down For Dinner Last Night:

Way to be a jerk. After cutting your fat bod in half, you still managed to swell up to the size of a running shoe. I was starving to death, asshole, a good hour past my dinnertime, and you still refused to flake when stuck with a fork. Yeah, alright, and then I find out YOUR KIND isn't supposed to flake when stuck with a fork, so I just overcooked you by a good 20 minutes. STFU, man. Tilapia all the way from now on. How do you like that, stupid?

Love,

Danielle

PS- If I die my mom is so suing.

Feminists suck. No pun intended.

Alright girls. I get it. I get that women are equal to men in most ways. In some ways superior, and in others inferior. That was established a good 20 years ago. Now this is going too far and we are headed in the opposite direction.

It seems to me that there seems to be a ridonkulous number of man bashings nowadays. Turn on the TV, or at least if you live in America. Check out almost every family show. Check out the commercials selling cleaning supplies. Check out those movies in which the mom leaves for a week, leaving the Dad in charge. In it, the Dad is the dumb, selfish ox who needs to be kept in line by his ever-present, always clear-thinking brilliant wife who just can't believe that she got stuck with such a lame moron that can't attempt anything delicate without breaking it. Oh, but with her never ending patience, she loves him anyways!

Cue extreme eyerolls from my direction. 

Ever since the whole feminist movement began, it suddenly became cool to treat men as retarded fuck-ups who are just bringing us down. I've always had great relationships with guys and I'm realizing that this is so because I've treated them with respect. Yeah I've done my fair share of "Geez you're such a guy," but it's all in good fun and when it comes down to it I treat guys as friends, with the proper actions that go along with being friends. 

I also realize that I'm only 17 years old and might not exactly know what I'm talking about, but hey, I'm trying.