Monday, November 19, 2007

would you like some creamy pumpkin ointment?

Danielle's previous post about wordplay had me thinking about words in general. Some are better than others and it is okay to have favorites.
Here are mine:

BUTTER

CREAM

PUMPKIN

PHANTASMAGORIA

I just want to wrap myself in those words and fall asleep!

Words that are not so wonderful:

OINTMENT

ENTITY

JUGULAR

BOSS

INTERNET

Sunday, November 18, 2007

sanctimonious indie fascits

This made me think. I think it's very true, and I love Kevin Barnes very very much. It's very insightful and worth the read.

"People who want to be artists have it the hardest time of it 'cause we are held up to these impossible standards. We are expected to die penniless and insane so that the people we have moved and entertained can keep us to themselves. So that they can feel a personal and untarnished connection with our art. The second we try to earn a living wage, or god forbid, promote our art in the mainstream, we are placed under the knives of the sanctimonious indie fascits."

Selling Out Isn't Possible

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Make like a tree and shed your leaves so I can rake them

NOVEMBER!! It has been a while since I've written in this blog. I don't know what it was about today that made me check it and what did i find? A plethora of posts from my dearest Danielle! If I recall correctly she was the one who never wrote a thing. She would tell me, "There's just nothing to write about" and then she would proceed to tell me a quirky story about her family. PSHH. Frankly, as long as anyone writes about themselves, there is ALWAYS something to say.
Back to me:
I apologize for the temporary abandonment. School has been hectic but life has been very enjoyable lately and I regret not keeping any record of it. Danielle is sixteen now! Her birthday was on the 14th. There was cake. There was a card full of sincere, heart-warming truths that I'm too embarrassed to repeat now...

ANYWAYS the day Danielle turned sixteen was also the day I received my permit, and with that permit I am going to head into town to run... I mean DRIVE some errands.
-Mallory

Thursday, November 15, 2007

professionalist

Can you make a living as a reader? Whenever people ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I give them a bemused look and make things generally uncomfortable until they get it and walk away. Artwork, music, and literature admirer? Mallory just figured out that she wants to be a museum curator, which sounds marvelous when someone asks you that dreadful question. I need to start coming up with original replies. "Egg-Hatcher," for example, or "Riceberg Creator." Or I could hit the emotional spot and say "happy," but that's kinda lame. Ideas?

This made me feel more optimistic about my future. If all else fails, I can always ship myself to Turkey and mine the filling they use in Hot Pockets. (linked from dooce)

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

wordplay

sometimes i wish i wrote things down on the spot so i wouldn't have to wrack my befuddled brains to remember these things:

location: my kitchen
subject: me dumping an unnaturally load of fluffy white rice on my placte

m: WHOA. that's a LOT of rice. it's like...like an iceberg of rice.

[brief pause while both of think furiously of ways to turn those words to make it funny..our eyes meet..]

d+m: A RICEBERG!! OF RICE!!

[laughter insues for the next three hours]

Sunday, November 11, 2007

don't judge me

i have this terrible habit of obsessivly stalking/acquiring/listening/eating these things til i just can't anymore, and i forget about them forever. i just add to this list all the time. this list dates way back from age 7. right now, my current obsessions are cheesecake, david bowie, hyper death babies, double-stuffed oreos, kevin barnes, spectator shoes, skinny jeans, and toothpaste for dinner.


1. general hospital
2. herbs
3. spice girls
4. hyper death babies
5. wolves
6. coldplay
7. lord of the rings
8. orlando bloom
9. death cab for cutie
10. of montreal/ kevin barnes
11. harry potter
12. star wars
13. animorphs
14. the baby-sitters club
15. living on my own in the wilderness (inspired by julie of the wolves, brians winter, my side of the mountain)
16. fairies/elves
17. black clothing
18. johnny depp
19. double-stuffed oreos
20. horoscopes/dream-interpreting
21. writing in the elvish language invented by tolkein
22. the chronicles of narnia
23. thinking i could draw elves
24. cheesecake
25. pumpkin pie
26. bagels with grotesque amounts of cream cheese
27. toothpaste for dinner
28. swords/archery
29. hunting
30. the military
31. specific boys
32. ramen noodles
33. dooce
34. myspace/facebook
35. butterfly hairclips
36. anything by tamora pierce
37. eating weird plants that i read were edible
38. edward scissorhands
39. skinny jeans
40. david bowie
41. Junior from the band Junior Senior (this obsession was born about 15 minutes ago after watching a live youtube concert video. oh god.)
42. astronomy
43. bird-watching
44. whale-saving

Saturday, November 10, 2007

duh

my piano is terribly aging, so i asked my darling mother the other day to call a piano tuner to tune it for the first time since we bought it, which is a good ten years ago from a garage sale. i am aware that i deserve to be trampled by a rabid grand for waiting so long, but i am powerless to the whims of my flitting mind. well, her response was to tell me to call the piano tuner for the church that we visit sundays, and i asked her why she specifically chose that one. her response reminded me of why i still hang around with her.

"well, if he tunes the piano at the church, that means that he's a christian, so he wont overcharge us!"

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

a step short of idoltry

yesterday my parents had to go to my kid brothers parent-teacher conference, and when they came back my mothers eyes were wet. my brother is one of the rare little kids that's SOOPER sensitive, thoughtful, considerate, and just all-around pretty neat. she motioned me over and told me that his teacher told her that my brother managed to talk about me at least oh, about 76 times every day, and these comments have all come out of his mouth at some point or the other [during the morning announcements]:
"my sister is the smartest person in the world"
"my sister listens to the best music in the world"
"my sister knows everything"
"my sister is in high school"
"my sister is the best"
"my sister works at the vets"
"my sister is a TEENAGER"
"my sister is my best friend"
"i love my sister alot."

his teacher asked my mother how on earth she managed to make us get along. my mother shrugged, baffled, and told her to ask my brother. his teacher responded, "I did. and he said that it was very easy. to quote him: 'I just give her a hug and i love her alot and like the music that she does. she's my hero.' "

the way to my heart is clear.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Bee boops soon to come

I have recieved the coveted synthesizer for my early birthday/christmas present. It's one of the more beautiful things that has been present in my life. There are so many choices of sounds to make and listen to, and it doesn't help that the brilliant bastards* who packaged my baby conveniently forgot to include an instruction manual. Yes, I am one of those cats who falls apart without a manual, but I am managing. Pictures soon to come.

On a side note, I managed to integrate this into a quiet point of my conversation today.



*I write "brilliant bastards" with frustrated affection.

Monday, November 5, 2007

sounds reasonable

kyle: "I want to get a pipe organ."
me: "why?"
kyle: "so people can come over and be like, is that a chimney? and i can be all like, naw man, that's a pipe organ."

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

anticipation

my JESUS-mas present from my parents and a rather wealthy family friend: an absolutely beautiful keyboard synthesizer with a great multitude of buttons that go DOOP DEE DOOP. i only hope i can last until december.

oh, the possiblities...
:)

-D

[ps- i TOLD everyone her ego would explode horribly!]

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

leftover cake

If you're illiterate or have not read Danielle or David's posts then I will tell you again: I am 16 now. The birthday was nice. LOTS of people said happy birthday, through facebook or in person or over the phone. Frankly, if i hear/read those two words again I'll die and judging by David and Danielle's posts, they clearly wouldn't be able to function if that happened. So enough with the birthday talk. I'm just writing to post:
THANKS EVERYBODY.

Monday, October 1, 2007

happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!

So Today its mallory's birthday
so im making a countdown list of why mallory is the coolest person born in the month of october

10. she is very honest like in study hall she told some kid he smelled like a skunk. if thats not honesty i dont know what is

9. She throws things at people who are annoying, like Last year in Study hall these stupid freshmen were being stupid and she started throwing pretzels at them, it was really funny until one started crying, then it became hillarious, they deserved it

8. She has shinny hair.

7. she lets me hit on her mom.

6. She had the balls to donate a pint of blood, and because of that we got free ice cream at some store in princesstown

5. She lent me the Kite Runner in april so i woudlnt fail my summer reading in september, i will give her the book back one of these days

4. She has the worst taste in music, but thats alright cuz i can judge and she doesnt get pissed

3. everytime we go to movies rated R with her she can always get us in, its like she has a deadly gaze that penetrates the soul of the ticket reciver guy and makes him so afraid that he is too scurred to say no.

2. she gives awesome advice and always listens to the stupid things going on in my life

1. she is hispanic

YO KID HAPPY BIRTHDAY

From david

THATS MALLORY--------------------------------------------->

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Regret and Explanation

I apologize to anyone that i might have offended for using the term "roflcopter" thrice in one post. I'm sorry. it's just my new word for the weekend. I'm really not that obnxious. HAHA, LOLZ, ROLFROLFCOPTER JKZZZZ.

In Celebration of Your Creation

Tomorrow is mallorys birthday.
I suppose the purpose of this is to say some of the things that i wouldn't exactly feel totally comfortable saying, cuz you know, I am not a sentimental person. I would rather rage and punch than hug someone dissolving into a pile of cogelating tears at my feet. I'm not proud of it.

so naturally, I feel kinda awkward saying that shes the bestest friend that i've ever had, even though that shouldn't feel awkward, and that she's one of the coolest cats in the world besides my brother. I feel silly saying that i look forward to hanging out with her, because i always know we have TWO THOUSAND POUNDS OF FUN, at LEAST, and that she has helped me out in more ways that she could probably imagine. I feel silly saying that, cuz thats super cheesy and lame. Bear with me.
She stuck by me when i sort of (blah!) ditched her for my brand-new first time boyfriend time and time again, kinda sucking it up and not ever being a huge bitch about, and in fact, never bitching about it. except in her journal, of course. but she is too polite to let me read that.

ANYWAYS. she listened to me vent about his increasing stupidity, rolled her eyes and called him a "fucking deuchebag" at the appropriate moments, and i always felt better afterwards. which is more than i can claim to have done for her. And then when we finally broke up, she was the one who made me roflcopter LITERALLY through the tears (how i hate that expression) when she gave me the awkwardest hug EVER, and we both roflcoptered at the ridiculousness of the action (she's as affectionate as a cactus. a dead one. but i say that with affection). later, she was the one who rode her bike to acme with an SNL dvd, bought me a pint of ice cream and an Elle magazine, and then rode all the way to my house in the disgusting heat, and through the disgusting highway to pop up at my house. That is pretty much one of the nicest things that anyone has ever done for me, in all sincerity.

[i fully realize that writing this does not make up for that fact that i haven't bought her a present yet. nothing...is good enough...? :) ]

I am extremely lucky, cuz she's basically the shit, and you better believe that i mean the POSITIVE CONNOTATION of shit. but man, i hope she never finds out. her ego would explode.

Happy Birthday Mallory Scandelous Nachos Morales, and thanks for the roflcopters.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Lifesaver

I saved a life today. A very small life, but a life nonetheless. I was being rudely jostled by my two bitches:







when i glanced to the side and into the glittering depths of ice-water that constitutes my pool, when BAWHAM! what in bearded neptunes name is that!? A drowned grasshopper floating in the shallow end!! And so commenced the inner battle that rages inside my breat everytime i'm confronted with something that has more than four legs: kill it, run away screaming, or take pity on its miserable life and save it. Well, assuming it was already dead, the tomboy in me reared its short-cropped head and made me poke it. It wiggled a leg weakly. The song "I Will Survive" immediatly started blaring itself max volume in my mind.

OMGZz. It's alive! I kinda scooped it out of the water, trying very hard not to think about what i was doing (i had JUST put on some delicious chocolate-smelling lotion, what a waste), found my camera, and brought the half-dead thing to the backyard swing set contraption. I could've left it there, and been content that I at least gave it a fighting chance, but my spectacle-clad eyes fell upon my brothers super expensive high quality Burger King action figure.


FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!


>>...to be continued...<<

Monday, September 10, 2007

learning is contagious

I seriously think I'm allergic to my school building. This morning while taking a timed diagnostic test I nearly died. Bad enough I was freezing and my nose was runny but somewhere in heaven, God decided it was a good time for Mallory to have a cough attack. I was so embarrased, I could not stop coughing! Everyone around me was trying to concentrate and I was having fits in my chair.

Tomorrow I'm packing lozenges.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Don't you dare make me cover this textbook.

Ahoy! today was the first day of school! As usual, I couldn't sleep. It is not because I'm nervous (puh-lease) but because I'm an insomniac who can't stop thinking when all I want to do is relax. Actually I never get anxious for school anymore. After going to grade school for eleven years, I stop caring. Sad, huh?
I woke up exhausted and while making breakfast I dropped butter on my shoe, which i knew was not a good sign. I realize that my last post displayed my enthusiasm towards school but that immediately faded once I realized what I was going back to: Work. Stress. High Schoolers. Hey, surround yourself with teenagers and you'll slowly start to hate the world.
Cynicism aside, the first day wasn't so bad. My teachers all seem nerdy and swell. Junior year is going to kill me but finding a friend in the halls might make this year bearable.

Listening skillz!

Last night around the telly with mom and Elaine something curious happened. I was watching something spectacular on the screen when I realized my mom was talking to me, so i said:
huh? sorry I wasn't paying attention. Mom tsked at me.
Later Elaine told my mom about something her friend did (apparently is was hilarious). Mom said: oh i don't really know what you're talking about, I wasn't listening. Elaine rolled her eyes.
I noticed the pattern and pointed it out: Nobody listens to anyone, this is a vicious cycle. That was when Elaine peeled her eyes off the t.v. and said: Wait...what?

More reasons to turn off the telly...

Sunday, September 2, 2007

School is cool. I is nerd.

I'm all ready for school on Thursday! I got a haircut that looks good (every other day), some new threads and kicks, I did all my summer work and my brain is buzzing with a readiness to learn!

I bought this one shirt:

It's pretty snazzy in my opinion. It has those holes in it so I can stick my thumbs (why the hell would want to do that? idk...) and a really cool pattern thingy. So a few days after I bought it my mum comes running into my room asking me if I know about my shirt. She flipped it upside down:

and omigod! It's a stocking shirt! These cats in Israel got some warm darling stockings and cut a hole for the head and sent it out for suckers like me to buy. I wasn't sure whether to be excited or appalled that my head is going to be sticking out where the crotch is supposed to be. Anyways it's pretty fucking fantastic and I can't wait to wear it.

Another thing I want to show off are my new kicks. They're pretty conventional (nike's for gods sake!) but I love them so. I can't decide whether I like them better than my old shoes so I'll let you decide:

Who would win in a fight?:

(I'm amazing as photoshop, no?)

Saturday, September 1, 2007

S.H.I.T. # 5

This one seems pretty self-explanatory but I'm going to explain anyways. Most people zone out when they find themselves caught in a conversation about shampoo or grocery shopping or anything particularly uninteresting. I-on the other broken hand-could be in a crucial conversation about saving someones life or about my future. It doesn't matter how important the conversation is because eventually I will start to wonder should I be switching shampoos now? My hair has lost some of its shine...you know I'm also going to tell mum to pick up some pop-tarts the next time she's at the grocery store...

This habit has gotten me into some trouble in the past and will undoubtedly hurt me in the future. To anyone who thinks of me as rude, inadequate or boring...I was probably:

#5-Zoning out or daydreaming during the conversation

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Back in a Slightly Darker Shade

That was the original title of the AC/DC album...

I've been back for a day and I'm already making bad jokes!
Okay Puerto Rico was really great. Nice people, great beaches, lots of history...now for the pics:

^This foxy lady is way too cool for school (don't remind me)

^we went to the rain forest EL YUNQUE


^ and the beach in Vieques where "wild" horses roam.





^please don't feed the pigeons. they will attack.


^San Juan



^more San Juan


^hotel window

angry note: I didn't get to take my incredibly amazing high quality camera because apparently its too damn chunky so the crapness of the photos are due to my mums cybershot NOT the photographers ability to work with the settings.

happy note: Vacation was great but I'm perfectly content in my exotic home town of New Jersey.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I don't speak english but I do read

This is a list of song titles from Pet Sounds that were translated in and out of Japanese by Google Translate. It's a brilliant idea with fantastic results. I decided to rip off the idea but with books. Have fun figuring out the translation!

Books:

As a young person the portrait picture of the artist - James Joyce

The money is the night - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Everything becomes quiet at the western front part- Erich Maria Remarque

Call of wildness- Jack London

For the sake of who whom the bell sounds - Ernest Hemingway

Mouse and Person- John Steinbeck

Cat of Hat- Dr. Seuss

Orange of clock mechanism- Anthony Burgess

Benefit of the thing which is the brand where popularity falls- Stephen Chbosky

Lunch which it exposes- William Burroughs

Main thing of ring- J.R.R. Tolkien

Revolution of screw- Henry James

The stone of Harry Potter and magic teacher- J.K. Rowling



Okay I could go on forever but my eyes are killing me and I'm going to Puerto Rico for a week so this just needs to stop. Don't miss me too much.
-Mallory



Friday, August 17, 2007

She's a crafty one

I've always felt much older than I actually am- 86 to be exact. So in honor of the old lady in me- I decided to start crocheting. Thinking of all the hats and gloves and sweaters I could make made me feel very fuzzy! I spent a clueless hour in the craft store and finally picked up some blue and green yarn:


I don't know when Vanna White became a yarn spokesperson but hey, whatever spins her wheel of fortune...

I was unsure of what to make and it started off a bit stressful. My fingers weren't relaxed and I couldn't keep the yarn on that annoying little hook thing, but last night I couldn't sleep so I picked it up and-under the light of my bedside lamp- I became a crochet expert!

The perpetual motion of pulling loops through more loops is almost hypnotizing. Before I knew it, I had myself a surprisingly long scarf:

I'll probably add more color and make it thicker but I just wanted to show off a bit. I'm going out later and I don't know if I can resist leaving my creation at home. People wear scarves in the middle of August, right?

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Origins

I am an avid Slate reader so when I found this article I couldn't help but check it out. In case you're too lazy to click the link or if you're paranoid that it leads to spam infested waters I'll help you out a little. Basically Michael Weiss is discussing what not to name your blog. Although the advice is obvious (don't choose a name that will come back to haunt you) I couldn't help but notice rule number three:

Inside Jokes Doom.
"Nicknames and private giggles are fine for yearbook inscriptions and e-mail passwords, but as blog titles they're a nuisance"

Unless you have me pictured as a charming but morbidly obese young lady, the title The Mighty Beluga has obviously originated from a secret little joke I shared with a friend.
Sadly though, the mighty beluga incident wasn't very funny or memorable.
Here's the story:
One day Danielle and I could not stop singing Baby Beluga.
That same day I said, "hey let's make a blog"
After staring at the computer screen for quite some time Danielle went, "lets call it The Mighty Beluga!"
I said, "uh...okay" and typed it in.

The End.

p.s. if you think I'm changing the name then you're crazy. Seriously, does blogger really need another Musings of a Teenager?

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

S.H.I.T. # 4

Since it is a common fact that soda is a disgusting and deadly beverage, I usually opt for the healthier drinks such as Orange-mango, grapefruit juice, peach cider-



I have quickly learned that fruit juices are heavenly but they also require a little shake from their consumer. You can guess that after my transition to juice, shaking has become second nature, so on those rare occasions when I am handed an ice cold Coca-cola... things get messy.

#4- Shaking the Coke can

Monday, August 13, 2007

Please, don't abandon your teenage daughter

It seems that during the time I was in the hospital, scanning E.R. sheets with the patience of an angel, someone forgot about me. Whoever this person was (I won't say any names) was obviously too busy sipping Chilean Pisco with her new friends to remember that her very own DAUGHTER was in town waiting for a ride home.
After thirty minutes and fifty unanswered phone calls I made a decision. I could either stay on the bench and allow the resentment to settle in permanently OR I could take the twenty dollars from my pocket and have a nice day in town (Ironically-I wouldn't have had that money if the same person who left me stranded hadn't given it to me...). I bought myself a gourmet bagel, familiarized myself with the corners of the used bookstore, and went hunting for vinyl. In other words I had a grand ole time being abandoned!
Two hours later my mum found me walking to Danielle's house. Although I tried to give her the silent treatment while she smothered me with apologies- the truth was, I wasn't mad at all. If anything, all that time by myself taught me a valuable lesson that is so cliche I shouldn't even have to write it down. And I won't.

:)


Friday, August 10, 2007

Supporting the Order with Rock!

Yesterday I went to see the Remus Lupins play their awesome wizard rock at my local library!
Since I write for the high school paper I used my press power to interview Alex Carpenter. If I weren't giggling like a little school girl I would probably have some decent notes and post the exclusive MIGHTY BELUGA INTERVIEWS THE REMUS LUPINS. Unfortunately I don't. Instead I have a vague recollection of Alex saying "rad" a lot and some mediocre pics of the show:


song list for whomping willow



El whomping willow himself

Foxy drummer Justin



represent

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

You stupid effing rabbit!

Dear General Mills,
What the hell is wrong with you?!? A while ago I turned on the t.v. and came across a commercial for Trix cereal. What I found was a shocking and disgraceful change of the product. It seems that after so many years of exciting fruit shaped cereal, you have decided to change the shape to round spheres or "puffs"
According to the commercial, rabbit breaks into a space center and jumps into some spinning thing that deforms our beloved cereal! In case you forgot, the line goes "Silly Rabbit Trix are for kids!" You hear that? Kids! Not corporate millionaires who have changed the product because it will save them time and money! I expect a response immediately.
-Mallory, and the millions of children you have disappointed.


PS: We're going foward, not backwards:

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Who needs T.V. when we have T.G.I.?

I went to T.G.I. Fridays on Thursday with some of my coworkers.
While waiting outside for my ride home, two women came out for a smoke and a chat. My sister was on the phone and I was staring at my feet wondering how much second hand smoke I needed to inhale before my lungs disappeared. Soon the smoker's conversation got louder and I, being the nosy girl that I am, tuned in:


Lady smoker: I told him that I knew he had cheated on me and he wanted to know how i knew. At that point i had no idea what to tell him

Supportive but quiet friend: of course

Lady smoker: then he goes 'did Michelle tell you?' and I didn't say anything so he goes on to say, 'I didn't kiss her'

*gasp*

and that's when I punched him in the face.

Friday, August 3, 2007

!

In honor of my campers and their 15 second attention spans-I will keep this post short and exciting:

Today was the last day of camp!

I won counselor of the week!
I ate sno-cones and popcorn!
I played on the inflatable joust!

No more waking up at 6:50AM!
No more nok-hockey!
No more pushing second graders on the tire swing!
No more paychecks!

Thursday, August 2, 2007

S.H.I.T. # 3

I don't remember when this first started but a few weeks ago I came out of the water to find Danielle laughing hysterically. Apparently, before I head underwater, I make a strange noise.

"OHMMMMM" and down I go for my signature breaststroke (I should change this sentence but I trust my readers aren't as perverted as I am).

What I forgot to explain to Danielle was that that "OHMM" was simply my mantra. It's comforting to hum when I'm swimming underwater. Is this common? I hope so.

#3- Humming underwater

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Four dollars for a glass door knob...what a bargain!

Fact*: A long, long time ago Jack Yardigan gathered a bunch of old crap he didn't want and threw it on his front lawn. When the neighbors began offering prices for his garbage, Mr. Yardigan knew he had come across something huge--THE YARD/GARAGE/TAG/MOVING/JUNK SALE!

Recieving my sisters's hand-me-downs trained me for thrift stores and yard sales. To me, nothing is sweeter than purchasing worn down items for a cheaper price. So on saturday I went lawn hunting to see what I could find.

Even the shortest glance can reveal alot about you, my dear yard seller.
Such as, you like drinking in style:



Or you're into fine literature:




or maybe you're just trying to get rid of some furniture because you can't take it with you when you move to the city...

either way, It's good to know you're offering it up to me. Maybe you've grown past these objects-- but I'm just warming up to them.



*and by fact I mean I totally made it up.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

S.H.I.T. # 2

The living room couch is my ideal place for reading. It is also my ideal place for napping. Sometimes my napping immedietly follows my reading. The result is Stephen King's On Writing poking my back while I have nightmares of being stabbed.


#2- sleeping with hardcover books

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

S.H.I.T. # 1

This is the beginning of a list I have decided to make. It is called "Strange Habits I'm Developing" although now that i think about it, it would be cleverer (is that right?) to call it "Strange Habits I've Taken (up)" that way the acronym will be SHIT! Yes, I am 15 years old and I do think it is funny to say SHIT. Okay here it goes.


# 1- Saying "fo realz yo" without any hint of irony.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Off to bigger and better things, like Eragon!

Now i understand Harry Potter is over, but I feel it is my duty to write about my last adventure.

On July 20th, 2007 I went to Diagon Alley ( Or a town square that looked like Diagon Alley...perhaps transformed by magic?) with my friends. We were merry, made wands, pointed out wizards and felt a little bit sad that this was our last night to be real nerds.



Then we headed on over to a Barnes & Noble to celebrate some more.
Hours of Harry trivia, absurd picture taking and a loooong wait in line led me to the latest and final installment of Harry Potter. Oh those Deathly Hallows!

The truth is, my sister had a leak of the book a week before it came out. Tempted by its availability, I would sneak glances at the shitty digital photos that revealed Rowling's words. But alas, I could not bring myself to read it!

When I finally did receive the book, in all its orange glory, I saved it for the morning before I could read it. And trust me, I read furiously all the next day until I finished at 1am on Sunday.

My thoughts: My predictions were all wrong (with the exception of Snape) but I wasn't disappointed in the least. Some parts I didn't grasp right away (the whole wand switcheroo in the end) but Rowling's imaginative story telling and charming wit did not fail. I thought the epilogue was frivolous and painfully cheesy but Harry Potter's final story was definitely the best.

What makes the Harry Potter books so great isn't their plot, but their characters. I ached for their losses and cheered whenever Ron, Hermoine, or anyone else turned up victorious. But despite my genuine concern for the imaginary world I longed to be a part of-I couldn't help but notice that the most important character was the least dynamic. Harry Potter was never my favorite character. Even though exciting things happened to him, I always thought Harry himself was a terrible bore. The truth is, he is awfully static.
The characters around him, who displayed natural feelings of doubt (Ron) or greed (Dumbledore) may have seemed bad compared to Harry, but by revealing their darker sides they became human. I could relate to them. I understand Harry's ability to succeed comes from his selflessness and pure heart, but c'mon! How am I supposed to feel close to a saint? Harry's most prominent trait may save him from Voldemort, but it keeps me from regretting our departure.

I will miss Harry, but I think I'm done with children's literature.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

You don't stand a chance against Gryffindor

Last night at 12:03AM I found myself in a movie theatre watching HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX.
Did I have work at 8 the next morning? YES
Did I know I would be disappointed? YES
Did I attend anyways? YES!
I tried to be cool but all this Potter craze got to me. I have been listening to Harry and the Potters nonstop, discussing the movie with my friends, talking about the books with my second graders and explaining the importance of Harry to n00bs. I could literally go on forever about Harry Potter but I'll keep it short.

THE MOVIE:
The new director dimmed the lights on the set and made everything seem darker. Also his portrayal of certain aspects were very similar to how I imagined it in the book so PROPS! Not one adolescent in this movie can act, but they sure look the part. Helena Bonham Carter? Ace.
I think they stressed the whole LOVE WILL OVERCOME VOLDEMORT theme a bit too much but I have to admit this movie was better than the rest, which isn't saying much.

THE BOOK:
The 5th book was my least favorite, but I'm more concerned about The Deathly Hallows. Predictions...Harry will die. Snape is not evil. Draco will die. So will some muggles and Hagrid and Hermione and Lucius.

Basically all will die except the Weasleys who will take over the world with their gorgeous red locks.




And if you call that a cop out then you're absolutely right. I'm too tired to conspire.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Who really wins here?

The last thing I want to do is study for a standardized test. Unfortunately I also don't want to live in a maytag fridge box by the subway. So, my school has provided an easy and convenient way for me to study ONLINE!!!!!!! USING THE INTERNET!!!!
You should have seen the letter (old school snail mail) they sent to brag about their advanced technology. "Hey kids? do you use the interweb?!?"

Well I sure do! Of course, ability to use the internet isn't the problem. The problem is that my school must not understand how distracting it is. Sure I can complete a practice test in 108 minutes, but did you also know i could watch a rap video about Mac vs. PC in 4 minutes? Or check my email in 5 minutes? Or draw this little guy on paint in 6 seconds?



No. You probably didn't.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

second grade analogies

As you probably do not know, I work at a summer camp and rule the second graders. I have been doing this for 3 years and I usually know what to expect from hyperactive, whiny, nok-hockey experts. Much to my pleasure, the kids will have intellectual arguments within ear shot. Yesterday they discussed space travel, "It takes a mile to get to the moon right?" and today i heard a charming conversation about the future:

"i wonder what we'll look like"

"the same just taller"

"maybe we'll turn into robots"

"nooooo. If we're not robots now, we wont be then"

"yeah we'd need batteries"

"you know, the heart is like a battery"

"yeah"

(long thoughtful pause)

"yeah"


Saturday, June 23, 2007

I'm not the passenger, I'm the engine.

Maybe Pierre and Ernest Michaux didn't invent the bicycle but im going to thank them anyways. I love cycling better than any other form of transportation and now that it is summer I can hop onto my bike and GO PLACES! Just today we found a charming little path in the middle of nowhere and I rode the 8 mile distance without complaining once...
Even though I am content riding my (ancient) white and turqoise beater, nothing would be nicer than crusing on
this baby:



Of course, I might only be saying this until I can drive a car...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

D-Day

No, not that D-Day... i mean David Day!!!

Happy Birthday, squire!

(I'm not a sentimental person so i would never tell him how grateful i am to have him as a friend, or how grateful i am that he puts up with me and listens to my silly problems when he could be out playing. I wouldn't dare.)

On the other hand, he could just read this.

David, have a good day and fill up on cake, okay?


This is Mallory by the way.

Yesterday:

School ended

my free stickers from haikucircus arrived in the mail

I overcame my fear of roller coasters

felt a strange combination of nausea and endless happiness

found myself in several photographs which all happened to be very unflattering

traded in my tokens for bouncy balls and a handsome green army man in an unfortunate state (you see, both his feet are stuck to the same plastic surface!)

I was still hoping we had plenty of years before life got too difficult




Friday, June 15, 2007

Forget Mrs. Brady

I am sick again. I literally just recovered from a cold when, once again, my immune system failed me. With a weak body comes the realization of just how wonderful my mother is. Yesterday she came home from work (late, i might add) looking exhausted. But as soon as she noticed that the pile of blankets and flesh on the couch was actually her youngest daughter, she went into the kitchen to make chicken soup. From scratch.

Now that's a mom.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

stamp out the stamps

dear mallory,
hi! how are you? i was going to send you a letter in the mail, but david dropped a bombshell in my house the other day by announcing to my parents that the price for stamps has gone up from 39 cents to 42 cents.

OH MY GOD. THOSE THREE CENTS WILL SEND US SPIRALING INTO DEBT. to salvage my family from this awful fate, i'll send you a deep, heartfelt message on this contraption.

to continue.

my pool water is now habitable temperature. that is all. see you tomorrow in the purgatory.

love,
Danielle

P.S.
your dad likes his jazz the way he he likes his peanut butt...?
HAHA IT SPELLS BUTT.

he likes his jazz the way he likes his peanut butter

Dear Dad,

Hi. I was just in the car with you, remember? Anyways, riding shot gun gave me an excellent opportunity to observe your ears. They aren't shaped any differently, they don't hang low , or wobble to and fro, you can't tie 'em in a knot, you can't tie 'em in a bow....

okay, the reason i was searching for a flaw or possible wax build-up was because you cannot stop listening to SMOOOOOOOOTH JAZZ.

don't get me wrong, i love jazz. I can write a news article 5x faster when jazz is playing, but c'mon smooth? smooth?!

I try to be accepting. I bite my tongue from calling it elevator music, "Let us put you on hold" music, but my head starts throbbing and my lids get heavier and suddenly i want to fall out of the car and roll down the street. Honestly.

I googled "smooth jazz haters" in hopes of finding others like me. Instead i found an article about another man's smooth jazz addiction. Kirk Pynchon regrets his affinity for smooth jazz, he understands that "like masturbation, listening to smooth jazz is best done alone." (yikes, am i addressing my father?)

Father's Day is coming soon so my present to you? Accepting your lifestyle as a smooth jazz lover.
In the meantime I will fulfill my jazz craving with a little Charles Mingus (check the top right to dl)
Sincerely,
Mallory

Friday, June 8, 2007

I think I can, I think I can, I...

I wanna be the orange bird. or maybe the green one, depending on my mood.

So i decided that i really need to get off my lazy ass, and sit down on it and write one of these posts. I'm following the advice of the little engine that could. You go blue girl!




It's 12:06 AM, i really can't sleep, and i'm fairly certain that there's approximatly 4lbs of sand under my eyelids that's causing me excrutiating pain. Think of the blue....

I was just having a discussion with david before about compliments. I had complimented him and sami, another handsome devil who is one COOL CAT, and he [david] was at utter shock at the fact that i would say such outrageous things, like you're good-looking or whatever the heck i said. My point, as it is, is that people should stop taking such compliments completely out of proportion, and start appreciating them as sincere words from a friend. Everyone likes honest compliments! But taboo of the sexes forids such compliments from gender to gender. silly stuff, ain't it?


goodness gracious me. gotta blow my whistle now and rest my weary wheels.


moral of story: don't decide to post posts at 12:06 AM, or be prepared to get a severe case of the fatigue-induced munchies halfway into it.

ch-ch-changes

David Bowie never fails

okay, a couple of new things around here:

1) I folded origami, photographed it, and made a swell header. The two birds were supposed to be Danielle and I but we have a new addition...

2)...D! Yes, I have invited our friend and handsome devil, David to write his heart out. He listens to metal and loves his mom and even took us to church once to save our souls! What more could we ask for?


Thursday, June 7, 2007

METAL!!!!

um yeah, im D

so i was on wikipedia and i found out about like christian black metal, which completly contradicts itself, but why not so im gonna try it out. the name of the band is antestor and supposedly they are mad good.

Padraic My Prince

Found on Foundmagazine.com:Post Script:
I hate Bright Eyes. Don't let the title mislead you.

Monday, June 4, 2007

a weekend for my weak end

im sick and miserable but it is finally June and for my family it means birthday month. I have had way too much cake and pizza and absolute garbage this weekend that you can forget about my resolution of going to the gym. Yes, maybe a 15 year old's body image isn't that great to start off with and no im not saying im fat but goddamn you nacho's... you're just being cruel...

anyways im done ranting and now a few things my uncle has taught me:

I should always call my mother...even when i go to college

Drink my milk because I seem young and invincible now but osteoporosis will kick me when I'm down

The people in Walmart are terrible but always a pleasure to study.

Incidentally, Dianne from Walmart thinks the twins are cute but doesn't understand why they're not dressed exactly the same. How else would people know they're twins without the matching jumpsuits?!

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Confidentiality

i just started volunteering at the hospital. Yesterday was my training but i can't tell you about it or they will sue. So, working around the system, lemme tell you about yesterday which was probably the worst day of my life:

I'm working on floor ____ which means i'll be ____ and _____. I had to be there for ____hours but luckily it was ____. I basically watched the nurses_____ like crazy, while i answered _____ and ran from ____ to _____ asking if they needed _____. Oh did i mention i have to take _____, _____, and _____ down to the _____? It's _____ but i'll be okay.

Right before i had to leave the nurse asked me to _____ a _____. This would be my first time so i didn't know what to do and ____ decided to stay with me, which was ______. The ____ was really ____ and it took forever. ____ told me she never had a _____ that _____. Just my luck.

On the way home i had to listen to my mom scream her head off because she has a life and can't be my taxi and even if she did own a taxi co. it would be the WORST SERVICE EVER.

As if being horribly tired (both physically and emotionally) isn't enough, my immune system failed me, which is why i ignored my alarm clock and stayed home today to watch queer as folk (season 1)

Sunday, May 27, 2007

out with my droogs


there is a terrible lightning storm outside and i am watching a clockwork orange.


my weekend in a nutshell (preferably almond):


Friday: an absolutely awful time was spent in a cold inhospitable building we call the mall. I felt like a real teenager loitering outside with the others. Cigarettes probably stolen from older siblings were smoked, and nothing important was discussed. It's depressing and pathetic so i beg fellow teenagers: Stop wasting your time! you're not even enjoying yourselves, are you?

Oh the number of looks i exchanged with Danielle, you'd think my eyes would roll out of my head.


(Alex is raping a girl)


Saturday: lunch in town with Danielle, Chenab, Sam. Chenab goes to private school so we rarely see eachother. It was pleasant but the walk to Danielle's nearly killed me. I looked forward to jumping into her pool but it seems she wants me dead because the shock of the pool water nearly stopped my heart. Can my body withstand these cruel extreme temperatures?!

Well im still alive...


(Alex has his hands in his underwear)


Sunday: Pirates with Mydili, Vivian, Shen, Debby, Amanda. What an awful movie. Disney, you disappoint me!

Later we went back to Vivian's and ate. Mydili says i have a natural ability to shake my ass because im hispanic. Maybe i do, but that doesnt mean i will.


(Alex just had an orgy with the girls he met at the store)


Isn't my life just like Alex's? Maybe without the debauchery and inventive slang ...but we both love a little Ludwig Van (that is, before the brainwashing).


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

you're a stone cold fox

About 20 minutes ago my sister Jen opened the front door so she could leave and wreak havoc about the town. Instead she screamed and ran back inside causing me to believe that a murderous villian had finally decided to make his move. What really happened? she found a fox.

i came too late to see, but apparantly the little guy was very casual about the whole situation and quietly walked away.

i secretely wish something far more exciting happened. In the Fox and the Hound, they overcame the social norm and became friends!

Jen ought to be more understanding if she wants animal friends. Next time you find a critter at your doorstep, invite the fellow in for a good spring cleaning:

Monday, May 21, 2007

a curious incident after a doleful weekend:



I borrowed Susan Sontag's I, etcetera from the library last week and, while scanning the pages of Old Complaints Revisited, I came across a pressed leaf.

The leaf isn't very pretty, and the story isn't very good (Oh Sontag, I am not worthy) so i can only assume it fell into the pages by accident.







Maybe i will use this incident to conjure an elaborate story about Laurence Royal sitting under a tree in Princeton Battlefield, the unread book remains open in his lap until a gust of wind...

but i probably wont.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Baby Beluga



Baby beluga in the deep blue sea,
Swim so wild and you swim so free.
Heaven above and the sea below,
Just a little white whale on the go.

Baby beluga, baby beluga,
is the water warm?
Is your mother home with you so happy.

Way down yonder where the dolphins play,
Where they dive and splash all day,
The waves roll in and the waves roll out,
See the water squirting out of your spout.

Baby beluga, baby beluga,
sing your little song,
Sing for all your friends,
we like to hear you.

When it's late and you're home and fed,
Curled up snug in your waterbed,
Stars are shining and the moon is bright,
Good night, little whale, goodnight.
Baby beluga, baby beluga,
with tomorrow's sun,
Another day has come,
you'll soon be waking.

Baby beluga,
baby beluga,
is the water warm?
Is your mother home with you so happy.
Lyrics by Raffi
If you haven't heard this song yet, then get to it.
:)
-D.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Barbie, there's blood on your dress!

Today my friend sadhana told me about her nightly routine:

"first i listen to one song on my ipod...then i watch a little bit of Bring it On....then i read Angus Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging....then i fall asleep.


well actually... i always open my eyes to check if my dolls are coming closer"

I'm sure anyone who has ev
er had dolls in their bedroom understands that those little buggers will probably kill you in your sleep. And so i offer a solution:


thanks to patricia waller

Sunday, May 13, 2007

cakes, moma, mama, feet



Happy Mother's Day!
At this moment my mother has gone AWOL...
actually that is not true but I usually never get a chance to say that.
Right at this moment I am searching for a scrumptious carrot cake recipe to make for my mother. Very foolishly I headed to Marthastewart.com and lets face it, I'm not advanced enough for this recipe
Danielle is in New York with her Mother, ac
tually she just called me to ask where the MOMA is. I wish I knew, and I hope she finds it. (It's her first time!)
Oh the MOMA! Imagine living there. I would sleep in Rauchenbergs bed and hide in the bookstore and eat at the The Modern...and probably drive myself crazy.





So yesterday Danielle and I attended a peace fest. Student activists, music, falafel and bare feet!
For a good cause it was O.K. but all that feet just doesn't seem like a good idea! We nearly suffocated before i decided to shag ass and we ran outside to climb a tree. I fear heights but Danielle's monkey-like skills came in handy. We yelled at a boy with dreadlocks and were the official tree Gods...until an awkward couple caught us spying on them.

Anyways back inside the "fest" was finally picking up and the hippies started dancing and the world started raining, and things were
nice.


So back at home i was thinking about being terribly young and caring about the world and how maybe a 16 year old activist isn't really doing anything at all but if you get a whole bunch of kids and they sorta care or want to care...well thats really all we can do. Am i making any sense? Maybe not.
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